well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Randomize
