you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
