I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
