I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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