If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
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