sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
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