Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Randomize
