I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
