There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
