Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Randomize
