I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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