When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
third nipple confirmed
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
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