I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
So much Jack, so little girl.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
