So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
Randomize
