I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
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Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
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Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
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