There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Randomize
