you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
