Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
