Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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