Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Randomize
