my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Randomize
