how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Bring me that man meat
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
