So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
He better not be in your backpack
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
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