Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
