: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
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