If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
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