I can't watch pbs sober anymore
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Randomize
