I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Randomize
