Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
