I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
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