if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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