Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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