i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
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Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
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I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
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