he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
I want a musical about memes.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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