I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
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I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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