even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Randomize
