Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
it glows. i had to have it.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE