I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
im getting my college education on yahoo answers.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.