is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
These 19 Guys Hit The Cougar Jackpot
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
35 Disappointing People Who Failed At Sexting
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.