You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
