i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Randomize
