I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
