I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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