So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
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