the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
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