I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Randomize
