I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
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he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
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You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
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