Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Randomize
