shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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