You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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