i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
