My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
