when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Randomize
