i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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