Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
