drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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