he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
i need to put some appletini on your dick
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
