woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize