Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Randomize
